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Mating in Captivity
Reconciling the Erotic + the Domestic
Esther Perel
Dedication
To my parents, Sala Ferlegier and Icek Perel.
Their vitality lives on in me.
Epigraph
WILD THINGS IN CAPTIVITY
Wild things in captivity
while they keep their own wild purity
won’t breed, they mope, they die.
All men are in captivity,
active with captive activity,
and the best won’t breed, though they don’t know why.
The great cage of our domesticity
kills sex in a man, the simplicity
of desire is distorted and twisted awry.
And so, with bitter perversity,
gritting against the great adversity,
the young ones copulate, hate it, and want to cry.
Sex is a state of grace.
In a cage it can’t take place.
Break the cage then, start in and try.
                              D. H. Lawrence
Contents
Dedication
Epigraph
Introduction
1 From Adventure to Captivity:
Why the Quest for Security Saps Erotic Vitality
2 More Iintimacy, Less Sex:
Love Seeks Closeness, but Desire Needs Distance
3 The Pitfalls Of Modern Intimacy:
Talk Is Not the Only Avenue to Closeness
4 Democracy Versus Hot Sex:
Desire and Egalitarianism Don’t Play by the Same Rules
5 Can Do!
The Protestant Work Ethic Takes On the Degradation of Desire
6 Sex Is Dirty; Save It for Someone You Love:
When Puritanism and Hedonism Collide
7 Erotic Blueprints:
Tell Me How You Were Loved, and I’ll Tell You How You Make Love
8 Parenthood:
When Three Threatens Two
9 Of Flesh and Fantasy:
In the Sanctuary of the Erotic Mind We Find a Direct Route to Pleasure
10 The Shadow of the Third:
Rethinking Fidelity
11 Putting the X Back in Sex:
Bringing the Erotic Home
Notes
Bibliography
Searchable Terms
Acknowledgments
About the Author
Credits
Copyright
About the Publisher
Introduction
THE STORY OF SEX IN

committed modern couples often tells of a dwindling desire and includes a long list of sexual alibis, which claim to explain the inescapable death of eros. Recently, it seems, everyone from the morning news to the New York Times
has weighed in on the topic. They warn us that too many couples are having infrequent sex even when the partners profess to love each other. Today’s twosomes are too busy, too stressed, too involved in child rearing, and too tired for sex. And if all this isn’t enough to dull their senses, then it’s the antidepressants meant to alleviate the stress that set off the final unraveling. This is indeed an ironic development for the baby boomers who some thirty years ago ushered in a new age of sexual ............

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