MeTalkPrettyOneDay - (EPUB全文下载)

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ALSO BY D a v i d   S e d a r i s
Barrel Fever
Naked
Holidays on Ice
Me Talk Pretty
     One Day
David Sedaris
For my father, Lou
Contents
One
Go Carolina
Giant Dreams, Midget Abilities
Genetic Engineering
Twelve Moments in the Life of the Artist
You Can’t Kill the Rooster
The Youth in Asia
The Learning Curve
Big Boy
The Great Leap Forward
Today’s Special
City of Angels
A Shiner Like a Diamond
Nutcracker.com
Deux
See You Again YesterdayMe Talk Pretty One DayJesus ShavesThe Tapeworm Is InMake That a DoubleRemembering My Childhood on the Continent of Africa21 DownThe City of Light in the DarkI Pledge Allegiance to the BagPicka PocketoniI Almost Saw This Girl Get KilledSmart GuyThe Late ShowI’ll Eat What He’s Wearing
About the Author
Go Carolina
ANYONE WHO WATCHES EVEN THE SLIGHTEST amount of TV is familiar with the scene: An agent knocks on the door of some seemingly ordinary home or office. The door opens, and the person holding the knob is asked to identify himself. The agent then says, “I’m going to ask you to come with me.”
They’re always remarkably calm, these agents. If asked “Why do I need to go anywhere with you?” they’ll straighten their shirt cuffs or idly brush stray hairs from the sleeves of their sport coats and say, “Oh, I think we both know why.”
The suspect then chooses between doing things the hard way and doing things the easy way, and the scene ends with either gunfire or the gentlemanly application of handcuffs. Occasionally it’s a case of mistaken identity, but most often the suspect knows exactly why he’s being taken. It seems he’s been expecting this to happen. The anticipation has ruled his life, and now, finally, the wait is over. You’re sometimes led to believe that this person is actually relieved, but I’ve never bought it. Though it probably has its moments, the average day spent in hiding is bound to beat the average day spent in prison. When it comes time to decide who gets the bottom bunk, I think anyone would agree that there’s a lot to be said for doing things the hard way.
The agent came for me during a geography lesson. She entered the room and nodded at my fifth-grade teacher, who stood frowning at a map of Europe. What would needle me later was the realization that this had all been prearranged. My capture had been scheduled to go down at exactly 2:30 on a Thursday afternoon. The agent would be wearing a dung-colored blazer over a red knit turtleneck, her heels sensibly low in case the suspect should attempt a quick geta ............

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